Beyond Mansy: Suing Your Wife For Having Ugly Children.

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

In the movie Mansome, there was a gentleman that called himself metrosexual. Personally, I though he was over-the-top and ridiculous. He went so far out of his way to kill an image of himself that he couldn’t stand. He was doing it to himself. It something he couldn’t go back on; something he couldn’t get his mind off of. He was somebody’s child.

This week, a Chinese man filed suit against his wife for giving him ugly children. This is the most backward and horrific thing I have ever heard of in my life. Suing someone over ugly children. First of all, aren’t they half yours? Secondly, what kind of person does something like that? You’re supposed to love your children, especially when they’re babies. And his are – all three of them. He said his daughter was so grotesque that it was scary to him. What kind of man says this?

When you have children, you’re supposed to love them, no matter what. You don’t take your wife to court and sue her over it. What if one of them had Down’s Syndrome? Would it have been played out in the same way? I’m shocked. He must be one of the most shallow, ridiculous men walking the face of the planet. He is the truest essence of Mansy and of someone who can’t get over himself. He should have gotten it over with and married himself.

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Would You Know A Good Time If It Was Right In Front Of You?

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

One of the great things about life is that good times come in clusters. They only come when you want them to come. If you’re a person who always sits back and is always upset, always angry and depressed, a good time is never going to find you. Why? Because you don’t want it to find you. A good time will only happen when you want it to come. You plan for it to happen.

One of the things that drove me nuts about being Mansy was that a good time was only focused on my relationships. Don’t be a Mansy – be a man. Realize a good time when it’s in front of you. And don’t allow your relationship to prevent it.

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Personal Responsibility: Coming Through With Your Goals.

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

There’s nothing more American than coming through when you’re supposed to – meeting your goal and accomplishing it. Over time, people love to keep you down. Many people do not want to see you succeed. When you have a good idea or something special, a jealous person will do anything he can to ensure that you don’t realize it.

The people who persist are the ones who achieve great things in this world. Take Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning. These are all men who were told that they would never make their ultimate goals. But they all did. Look at them now. Not all of them are the greatest people in the world, but they achieved their goals.

When you achieve your goal in this way, you almost need a chip on your shoulder as if to say, “Look – I achieved what you said I couldn’t do.”

Coming through in the clutch is not Mansy. Coming through is what you have to do for yourself.

Whatever Happened To Live And Let Live?

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

Since we started American Mansy, Uncle Todd and I have talked about how people put limitations on each other throughout the history of the United States – from the Puritans to present day. It has loosened up from time to time, but most of them time people interfere with other people’s business constantly. Whatever happened to ‘live and let live’? The Mansiest thing to me is when people mess with other people’s lives where they don’t belong.

Yesterday, Illinois became the fifteenth state in the United States to allow gay marriage. All I have to say is good for them. Why can people who want to be with someone do just that? I’m sick of seeing a protest against other people about what they believe is right.

If people would mind their own business and keep to themselves, this world would be a much better place.

Is The Sucker Punch The New Norm?

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

A fight has become about the sucker-punch. When I was growing up in the 1980s, if you were fighting somebody and they kicked you that was a Mansy thing to do. In the 1990s, if you weren’t looking when someone threw a punch at you, that was a sucker-punch.

As we have moved into the twenty-first century, sucker punches have changed. It happens more now mentally than physically. Over the last few weeks on my adventures on the Internet, I have discovered how people act and talk tough but can’t actually do anything about it. They attack because they can’t be seen. So you have all of these Internet tough guys walking around, thinking that they are tough because of how they word things, and by what they can do on the Internet. People patrol sites to make themselves look strong and tough. They pick fights with anybody and everybody because there are no repercussions. Back in the day, if you talked to people the way you talk to them online these days there were consequences for it. Now, we have all of these Mansies walking around who receive no consequences for what they do because they can’t be seen. They talk and act tough. But they’re incredibly Mansy because they’re completely unwilling to listen to anything outside the box.

In the past, guys who talked like this could back themselves up. Especially if you had this ability. Now, we have nothing but tough Mansy talk with nothing to back it up – and no consequences.

Why Traveling Abroad Always Bring You Back Home.

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

Walking to work this morning, I overheard two girls in front of me talking about how they were moving to Italy next week, and that they couldn't wait to get there. They couldn't stand the superficiality of the United States. After having travelled to Europe many times, I have realized that people don't understand what they have here - and what they're going to get with other countries.  They think that everyone's wonderful over there; that everyone is going to be offering them wine and cheese. It doesn't work that way. 

They also said that they couldn't wait to get away from the crime. "There's so much crime here. You never hear of it over there." Just because you don't hear about it doesn't mean that it does not exist. There's plenty of crime over in Europe; people just don't talk about it. 

When you finally travel abroad and you get to where you're going, you will finally get into the culture and you realize one thing: there's no place like the USA. 

Yes, She’s Dining Alone (and she doesn’t need your help).

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By @Todd_Behrend

If you act like an idiot, people will think you are an idiot. If you act like a jerk, you will be perceived as one. If you act like a douche – voilà. And there’s no greater douche than the Mansy who thinks a woman cannot have dinner by herself. And if she happens to be good-looking, Mansy will try to work his magic on her all the way back to the Hampton Inn. As always, he doesn’t have a clue.

Last night, I observed a beautiful blonde woman having dinner by herself, minding her own business. Three overweight, middle-aged creepy guys decided that they would swoop in and impose on her evening. They were married; she was married. Conventioneers believe that women dining on their own are ill equipped to entertain themselves, to order off a menu, or to perhaps oh, I don’t know – relax?!? – and forget about the day. But no. Not according to Creepy Middle-Aged I’m Going To Save The Day Mansy.

Guys: there’s usually only one reason a woman goes out to a nice restaurant to eat dinner – she’s hungry. The same reason you go to a nice restaurant to eat dinner. She doesn’t want what you’re offering. You’re obvious. You’re creepy. And she wants nothing to do with you. You’re better off heading back to the hotel, having a forty-five second session with yourself, and hitting the sack. Your class ring is still safe.

Peyton Manning – A True Warrior With Class.

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By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

Measuring class is very hard to do. And when someone is as classy as expected, it’s really something. Watching Peyton Manning over the past week has proven to me that he is the classiest football player of all time (and that pains me to say as a Patriots fan and Tom Brady guy).

Peyton Manning last night played against his former team for the first time, the Indianapolis Colts. He played an extraordinary game of football. Even though they did a pre-game presentation honoring him (which I’m sure ownership did to throw off his game), how he came back to play that second half proves he’s a true warrior.

Having met Peyton Manning once before, he was a down-to-earth, classy, nice guy. I’m still a Tom Brady guy. But watching him demonstrate this last week and how he handled the media and everything else, he is nothing but true class.

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You’re 50 – It’s Time To Order For Yourself.

By @Todd_Behrend

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The process of ordering food in a restaurant should be simple enough. It’s a no-brainer. It’s easy. Here’s how it goes. You sit. You’re presented a menu. You choose. You tell the server about your choice. The kitchen makes it. The server brings it. The manager ensures it. You eat it. End of story. But not if you’re a fifty year-old Mansy that cannot order what he wants because his wife or girlfriend is insistent on intervening with Mansy’s choice on what he wants because he doesn’t have the balls or wherewithal to order for himself.

Issues.

The American Mansy lives in fear. He has no self-control. He flourishes in first-world countries. He cowers at the consequences suffered in first-world countries. Such as…what? The man I witnessed wanted mashed potatoes. His wife didn’t. He decided not to order them. Because he’s afraid she will…leave him? Divorce him? Punish him? Take his X-Box away? No. Mansy is just afraid. This one in particular was easily over fifty years-old. The sad-sack sorry state of affairs that is the American Mansy in public reveals a defect of manhood in American culture. If she wanted mashed potatoes, she would have ordered them. Mansy wouldn’t say a word. And if he did, there would be hell to pay.

Guys, it’s time. It really is. It’s time to order off the menu for yourself. She isn’t going anywhere. She isn’t getting up from the table or causing a scene. And if she does, it’s time for a serious re-evaluation of your relationship. More than likely, she will give you a look, and do nothing.

So, say hello to your gut. It’s your friend. It’s mashed potato time. Order for yourself. You live in America. Job well done.

Follow @Todd_Behrend on Twitter

Why Torii Hunter Needs To Stop Crying.

By @DaveTheMasshole Friedrich

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At the end of the game this week between the Tigers and Red Sox, David Ortiz hit a grand slam. Torii Hunter made a spectacular dive to catch it. It would have been one of the greatest catches in professional baseball history. As he jumped over the wall to catch it, his legs shot up in the air as his body was hitting the ground. In the background, a Boston police officer raised his hands in celebration. After a photograph of that moment made the rounds for days, Torii Hunter became upset that the officer didn’t come to his aid more quickly. He says that if he could go back in time, Hunter would have run over and kicked the guy in the face for not helping him fast enough.

This is the huge problem with professional athletes that I keep talking about. These guys are supposed to be our gladiators. I don’t recall any stories about gladiators back in the day talking about how people weren’t doing enough to help them. They were gladiators. They had to do things on their own. Especially when their arms were cut off.

Torii Hunter is a big mouth. He has a lot to say about a lot of things. He gets very upset if anyone has a reprisal for him. I don’t understand why he would be so upset about this. Is his ego broken because this police officer had a moment of happiness over his team winning? It’s a moment that will be solidified in Red Sox history forever.

Not everything in life is going to be peaches and cream. It’s amazing how professional athletes react when things don’t go their way. A believed shot to his ego makes him want this cop fired? I guess not all millionaires are built the same.